Jealousy

Jealous: adj. resentfully envious.

I have been avoiding looking deep in my heart these last few weeks but Jesus forcefully kept my mind alert to this junk in my heart. Now I must come clean and write about a piece of my heart that is bother some to Jesus and I. I need your prayers for this because it is keeping me in a rut.

I have been realizing in my heart I have jealousy towards many people in my life. The jealousy has been evolved from a thought that they have a future and I do not. I have messed up my life far too much that God can not redeem me for this life time. I have been accepting the past as a bump in the road, a really intimidating bump that brings shame to me. I have much fear.

Then I look at the people around me with their freedom and talents that are far more noticed and developed then mine. With fear and regret of my past I birth jealousy towards them. I compare myself to many, stay in my childish ways that have thoughts of "Why can I not have that life, that freedom, that talent? Where is the redemption?"

Another issue is my brain has difficulty in putting out information, I have to study a lot. I see these people be newly introduce to a tool, instrument, art style then just get it together, understand it all. I sit still at the beginning stage and suddenly to myself I course my brain for not being able to carry information then practice and have fun with it. I have to sit, study, get every detail, put so much time in to understanding. It frustrates me, this process takes away from me I almost feel.

I truly do not accept the work that Jesus has done in me. This fact hurts God, this fact that lives in my heart is the Antichrist in me. I am trying to be satisfied with whom Christ made me to be, to accept that it is not about me, it is about him. To reject his generosity for creating this person, this man know to him as Jordan would be grieving to Him. This action will mourn His hopes, His spirit and at the end of the day I may hear him say "Jordan, where are you?". I must stop comparing, accepting the idea I have not a successful future. To accept this is not to be a better human but to bring my Father a smile, a home to delight in. I want to be His joy, to be his joy will be to act in the manner he has imaged me to act in.

Please pray for me. This is interfering with Gods pleasures. LET THIS LIFE BE LIVED TO BRING DELIGHT TO THE FATHER.

If you struggle with jealousy, I understand and would encourage you to breathe and just let Gods words sink deeply in to your mind, spirit and body (by body I mean get a tattoo, LOL).

Shalom.